For The Love of The Benjamins

I seen an old friend of mine, with bags full of trinkets for her daughters 4th birthday party. The hand that carried the heaviest bag also carried a wedding band. It amazed me. We are here in our 24th year of life, yet she has what people search FOREVER for. Im still not sure how that made me feel. I wiped a tear from my eye shortly after we parted ways. I know I was happy for her. That I know. I was there in the waiting room when she found out she was pregnant, and I remember when she told me about the proposal. I was there through the darker days too. I think that's what gets to me. I remember thinking, "that could never be me," and now all I can say is "I wish it was."

A young woman in pursuit of happiness, which equates to "life, love, and laughter," yet my finger is empty and Im chasing a dream. Hmm, that last sentence didnt sound THAT bad at all. I know that at this point in my life, Ive figured out how to laugh, Ive figured out who I want to love, and Im learning how I want to live. This post is on the heels of this eye opener, thats why it started out emotional but ends optimistically. I am where I should be..This post is dedicated to Benjamin family. Happy for your journey, hope it goes on forever, and Im honored to be able to see this much of it.

Life, Love, and the Lesson

My bloggers, my bloggers, how long has it been? I missed u. Times sure have changed. This post is me, telling you, that somethings are not easily explained, or easily erased. One of my earlier posts was called "Expired Honey," where I spoke of not letting your past taint love. Then, I had a post way later called "I'm Ready," about erasing loves. Haha. If you didn't know, it was for the same person. I've tried, and tried, and TRIED to erase that man, but couldn't because somethings aren't meant to be removed. My eyes watered, leaked, sparkled, and shined brighter than ever for the same person. Imagine that. The way my heart jumped into his pocket when I saw him, and left with him upon exit. The way oxygen was sucked out of the room if something was said that may close the door between him and I. Man, what a feeling. I've had my highest highs, and lowest lows with one person's portrait in view. I could go on forever, trust me, I care that much. Instead, I want yall to be comfortable to be unsure, to take a risk in confidence that there will be ground beneath your feet. Trust me, I have no idea what Im doing, yet I know what I will not do- abandon the lesson my heart is teaching me, good or bad. A lesson is a lesson no matter who teaches you. Another post dedicated to a great love, a great teacher. To my favorite "what if," to my Honey :-*

I Got The Feeling

*dances to MJ* "I got the feeling, baby baby I got the feeling"

Yup, I think I got that feeling...when I first created this blog, I used to wake up at 2:30 am to write 2 blogs because one wasnt enough. Oh yes, I feel it. Cant you? I literally just blogged 30 seconds ago and Im at it again like MJ after the baseball stint.

Something tells me that this whole revamping phase that I am going through is a good thing. I got a feeling that this is where I leave the old hinderances behind to find the new lessons. I like this feeling. This is where all my growing up manifests itself in my actions.

I just wanted to tell you. I got that FEELING...

No cute pictures this time either..real shit, real me.. Sincerely, MJ.

Im R E A D Y

*opens classroom doors and enters*

Wassup bloggers and bloggettes? Its been a while, yea I know, life happens. I have alot to talk about. Yall remember that "Expired Honey" blog? Yea, well that EXPIRED. Why? Only because I cannot, and I repeat CANNOT function as the passionate person I am with someone that does not have enough heart to stand with me. No disrespect to anyone, but yall should know me by now. I call a SPADE a SPADE. In my book, a spade cannot be a diamond. Plain and simple.

Anyway, lets fast forward to the point of this blog.

Being a strong woman can be SO FUCKIN HARD! (Hope yall remembered that I type as I talk, expletives included) Trust me, its a gift and a curse. When your strong, taking care of everything, there is little chance for you to be the sensitive creature that a woman is meant to be. However, if we play the sensitivity role, a place like New York (my home) would eat you ALIVE. I mean, ALIVE..no remains after either. I have come to a beautiful plateau in my life. A balance. A place where I can be a woman, as sweet as can be, and a yet a woman, the builder of my foundation. It feels good to NOT be bitter, to NOT be sad. Even better to be OPEN and VULNERABLE to life/love. Not saying that it will definitely happen, but saying that I am open to trying again is good enough for me. Yup, this is it for me. My time, open my curtains. Why? Cuz IM R E A D Y!

This blog dedicated to my brother Fabe. You made me write again. I love you kid :-*

P I E C E S

The pieces that were broken, never returned the way they were.

Everytime I look into his eyes, all I can see, is her.

Those pieces that came back to me, were different, more complex. . .

Did I mention I'm much stronger now?

The best pieces NEVER left !

**Anything that you lose, was never meant to be yours.**--MJ

Love Me Better

*walks up to podium and taps microphone* Eh hem, eh hem. Im a thug, who stopped believing in love. No if, ands, or buts about it. *slaps microphone off of podium and walks away*

Ha. I bet you believed me. The truth of the matter is, in my heart of hearts, I adore it and wish it was something that existed. Never bitter, so Im going to give you tips on how you can make love better:

Here are the words:

1. "Hey baby, have a good day today."

2. "You've crossed my mind alot today, let me thank you for that."

3. "How was your day?" (make sure you listen to the response!)

4. "You seem down, is there anything I can do to change that?" (mean what you say)

5. "You are appreciated."

Now for the actions:

6. Surprise your partner with dinner and a movie. Get the pillows and blankets ready.

7. MEN-Hold her face when you kiss. Seal it with a kiss to her forehead

8. WOMEN-Massage his shoulders and whisper "You are perfect for me" in his ear.

9. Play games together. Laughter is key!

10. Do something you dont like, but your partner loves.

Most Important: SEXUALITY

11. Initiate the loving - let your partner see that you want them.

12. Tell them how to please you, and ask how to please them. (sex talk is fun!)

13. Stay at first base - kissing is GREAT for your health, and your heart.

14. Rub your partner from head to toe, because 9 times out of 10, its been a LONG DAY!

BONUS***

15. Tell your partner to get in bed, kiss from HEAD TO TOE (paying attention to special areas), massage, talk to, nibble on, and endulge in your partners whole body WITHOUT SEX. When finished (and that is not until you are SURE they are completely satisfied), lay down and look at your mate and say "Thank you for letting me LOVE YOU BETTER!"

THE END

Expired Honey

*hands up* Okay I know, it's been a while. Dont shoot! What can I say? I been tryna take over the world! For the newbies, let me introduce myself. My name is JUZLIK3MUZIK. Just. Like. Music. I type as I speak, slang and all. I have little action moves in all my posts (denoted by **), and I say whatever my little heart desires. This post is a lighthearted one so read on..

I had a nice little convo with a friend of mine, whom I will be dedicating this post to, and the convo went into the "I used to be" section. "I used to be a romantic" he says, "I used to be a poet." That led me to wonder, how many other ppl have gone down that stanky ass "I used to be" road? I remember days like that, where I used to get up with one main goal: make him happy. Oddly enough, I felt fulfilled knowing that every smile that day was because of me. Now, my main goal is: make ME happy. Not a bad move, but I can control my own smiles whether Im happy or not*thumbs down*. Ive been learning that throughout life we go thru stages and once we hit that "I used to be" stage, the honey has expired. I dont care WHAT yall say, Im not tasting no damn expired honey (neither should you) so I suggest we all take a second to go from the "I used to be" to "I am." Whats life worth, if we cant stick a finger in and get a taste?? Haha. This post is dedicated to Honey himself..;-*

The Backwords Letter

Sincerely to return to you, MYC

Im a blogger so Im writing and I hope you understand that as much as I can hold you, Id rather hold MY hand. This letter isnt the end of us, more like an interlude-gimme a second Ill be back and Ill jump back in love with you. However now Ive realized Ive loved you more than me, as much as I adore you Love, I fell deep in love with me. I lost sleep for you, eyes leaked for you, and crossed the seas for you. I believed in you, always dreamed of you, and couldn't breathe without you. Ive loved you since forever and couldnt see myself without you.

Dear Love,

Now read it from bottom to top. Haha.

S C R E A M

Let me get straight to it. Im human right? A complex being with emotions, thoughts, and mannerisms. Well if so, then keep reading. If not, this blog is NOT for you. You ever get stuck being the nice guy? Bottling emotions because its the time is not "right" at this moment? Well, shit..I do. This blog is me letting it out. This blog is my scream. At home, I stand out like a sore thumb. Not overly friendly, not overly open, not overly closed. Just a minor to all extremes. I come from a family of extremists, by the way. Musically, I need to be open, honest, vulnerable, and transparent. YIKES. In relationships, I often hold back. Yea, Im the internalizer. Whatever it takes to make it work equates to "your right, Im wrong." Yall seem to be here for me so Im opening up. On a whole, I AM TIRED! Heres where it gets confusing---->if I open up and let errybody know when Im unhappy, uncomfortable, or pissed then Im a bitch. If I hold it in, Im stuck in this situation, cyber screaming to all that wanna read. Wellllllllllll this is my scream. Can you hear me? I bet you can.

The Balancing Act

*clears throat* Eh hem! Wassup my lovely readers? Oh how Ive missed you!. The last time we coinhabited this page was when I was on my Mycki Allen Po move. Right now, I need to vent. I mean, I NEED TO VENT! Here's the issue: In the real world, to maintain happily (especially now), you need to focus, work a good job constantly, and watch your surroundings. To chase your dream, you need to be free of almost all ties, have a good amount of funds, and have some strong ass legs because dreams move fast as fuck! So, okay I dig the working a good job thing. Cool. I dig the you need money to make music thing. Cool again. But um, WHERE IS THE FLIPPING BALANCE?!? When you work as much as I do, you have to pay bills..and you BET NOT have no backed up bills or just forget it. Anyway, when you work constantly, you have plenty money but no time. So, your dreams go ----->that way. Or when you not working, the struggling artist thing is admirable but pro bono work is fake. No studio time, no transportation to the studio, no food, nothing but time. As a proud, hard working woman first, Im doing pretty damn good. As an artist, I will sing from now till next NEVER but I have NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING! Help. The artist in me is suffering, struggling, tired, caged in and bored. The picture up there is spinning dishes. Pay too much attention to one plate and the other one is going DOWN. Picture both plates full and then you will feel me. This blog is dedicated to my homie QRock. Why? Because he knows the artist, the person, and needed to meet me, the blogger. Happy Gobble Gobble folks!

The Other Side of the Door FINAL

"Okay, whew! Im finally here." In large green letters, "567 Lincoln Place" stood out against the white awning that covered the building. Tyra entered Neelan's building without thinking twice. "Im allowed to do something crazy once in my life right?" It was as if someone answered her question with a "YES!!," because she continued walking. Tyra walked right passed the guard at the door without an issue. It seemed as if he sensed something up her sleeve because he smirked as she headed to the elevator. Tyra was in such a rush that as she exited the elevator at the penthouse level, she neglected to realize "Pertison Presidential Suite" printed on the wall to the left of the elevator doors. Instead, she held her head straight and went right. Neelan opened the door and tried to act surprised. "Hiiiiii, um, Mrs. Morgan." Yes, he had to ACT surprised. Lets not forget he was watching her. Just then, it was if something came over Tyra. She kissed him deeply, sensuously. She pushed him into the apartment, and slammed the door. "Wow. What do I owe the pleasure of...mmm...this...mmm...huh?" Neelan was realizing that although he was watching Tyra during her private moments, she was NOT who he thought she was. He reached to unbutton her trenchcoat, and she slapped his hand "Not yet, Mr. Pertison." He dismissed the fact that she knew his name to good memory. He reached over for the gun as he kissed her, under the impression that as it got hot and heavy, she would lose sense of time and space. He pulled the gun on her effortlessly as he kissed her. She was none the wiser as he put it close enough to the back of her head, to end her existence as he had done so many others. He pulled the trigger. She giggled. "Its not loaded. I emptied the clip while you were with Aubrey last night." BOOM rang out as she shot him and watched his body crumble off the bed. Ironically, Neelan was paying so much attention to what he was doing, he didnt realize the FBI chain hanging from her neck, right where the first button of her trench coat was. You see, this whole time, Alyssa Greavans, whom we all knew as Tyra Morgan, was an undercover agent out for the capture of Neelan Pertison. He killed her sister when she was 16, and since then, all she did was hunt him down. This is what she carried with her always, his face, his technique, his green eyes. Yes, that was always with her. As she left that day however, she left Neelan Pertison, her pain, and Tyra Morgan on the other side of the door.

The Other Side of the Door pt.4

Five o'clock approached quickly and Trya eased out of her desk. It had been 3 days since she layed eyes on the mysterious man who came for the Pertison file. "Not this time, nope. Im gonna experience life this time." Tyra sprinted to the elevator and pressed the penthouse button. "Lets see if he's as mysterious as he thought he was." She giggled to herself as the door closed. The next floor up was the penthouse to Chambers&Co. As it opened, she seen Dr.Chambers doing what he usually does, play golf into a coffee mug. "Four!" Chambers was Tyra's good friend. He helped Tyra to become partner in little over 4 years. They met on her graduation day. "John" Tyra jumped over the coffee mug she bought him with the title "I Dont Do SHIT. Im The BOSS" she sat in his chair, took a spin, and then continued. "Who was that messenger that came for my paperwork a few days ago?" She was not in the mood to beat around the bush. Normally Tyra didnt speak to anyone, about anyone, unless it was work related. This time she wanted to know about a man? Dr. Chambers couldnt resist. "You got a crush huh?" This was the first time he looked up from golf and he intended on knowing all the details to his suprise visit. Determined not to make him any wiser of her secret, she said "Good God no! I left out the audit for the company's prospective gain and that is what they need to see. Give me his number. Ill get him to come get it." With that statement, Trya walked away quickly. Too quickly to hear Chamber's say "Come and get it, huh? I bet he will." TO BE CONTINUED ONE MORE TIME!!!!

The Other Side of the Door pt3

"Mr. Pertison, are you sure you want to mix business with pleasure?" asked the temp. assistant. Neelan couldnt remember why he started telling her his business anyway. She kept showing him the potential worry. "Listen, Aubrey," Neelan was careful to speak slowly so that she was aware of the severity of his next statement. "No one knows but me and you. If I tell Ms. Morgan, that makes three. It will never reach a fourth ear." Aubrey nodded in agreement and walked out. As Neelan pondered his next move, he walked across his office to the wall that carried the picture of his father, Will Pertison, and used his remote to open the hidden door. Once inside, Neelan sat at the chair in the center of the room and gazed at the surrounding televisions. With one snap of the finger, they came on at once. Every television served as a surveillance for one of his next prospects. He stood up, walked to the television that showed Trya pulling into her driveway, kissed the screen and said..."This may be the last time you enter your home, so sleep tight." TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

The Other Side of the Door pt2.

The bathroom was steamy. The air was so thick that she could barely see the steps ahead of her. As smokey as it was, she knew he was there. Her heart rate jumped as she neared the glass shower door. "Psst," she whispered sensually as she opened the door. When Tyra realized the shower was steaming but empty, she began to become even more aroused. It was as if Neelan sensed this. Before she could turn around, she felt his strong arms entangle themselves in her robe. His slightly rough hands found her center without any hesitation. He spun her around and said.."Ms. Morgan, the meeting is in 5 minutes on the other side of the building. I suggest you get going!" Tyra jumped up from her desk in disbelief. It was all a dream. The meeting might as well have been in pig latin because all she remembered was Dr. Chambers, the ceo of Chambers&Co, start by welcoming all of the meeting attendees. "Why is this man haunting my thoughts? Ive only seen him once. I dont even know his name!" Tyra hastily packed her briefcase and went home. The drive home took longer than expected. Everything that couldve went wrong, did. First, she missed her exit on the highway, due to daydreaming. Then she almost ran into a small child who jumped into the street. Tyra tried to fool herself by crediting the near accident to "foolish adolescence" but she knew better. She was too busy thinking about the toffee colored, green eyed, tall, built and mysterious man who picked up the Pertison file this morning. "Who the hell is he anyway?!" she wondered as she pulled into her driveway. TO BE CONTINUED

The Other Side of the Door pt1.

"Dammit!" Tyra yelled loudly as she realized she closed the car door leaving a portion of her trench coat hanging on the other side. "This is what I get for rushing..calm down girl..you can do this" She fixed her makeup in the rearview mirror. After taking a deep breath and counting to ten, she press the gas pedal and off she went. Tyra Morgan was an investment banker who recently won partner at a prestigious firm. She was born and raised in NY but graduated Suma Kum Laude at Spellman college. Usually, she was a conservative soul. Very precautious. Tonight however, Tyra was about to throw caution to the wind for the first time ever. As she whizzed by street signs, she recited his address in her head "567 Lincoln Place, 567 Lincoln Place." See now, this is where she is headed. Lets explore where shes coming from. Everything was so different a week ago. She was sitting at her desk, finishing up the Pertison file that needed to be handed in shortly when he walked in. Neelan Pertison stood a solid 6'3 at her door. She looked up and had to shake the thoughts that jumped into her mind quickly. "Excuse me? How can I help you?" she rushed, biting her tongue in the process. "Yes, you can help me in taking over the world, but for now, Im here to pick up the Pertison file." She looked at him again, this time with a discerning eye. "Whom might you be?" She stood up with the posture of a statue. She was used to being looked down upon because of her gender. Her aggressive eyes made him smirk. "I come in peace Mrs...um" He leaned closer to read the plaque on her desk. "Ms. Morgan. Dont shoot the messenger." Realizing that she may have come off a little too harsh, she laughed and told him to have a seat outside. "My assistant will be nicer than I am. Wait with her while I put the finishing touches together." With that said, the conversation was over, and she was still in control...or so she thought. TO BE CONTINUED.....

The Return of MYC

*knocks on door and peeps head in* Hey, um did you guys miss me? I missed you too! I have alot to tell ya! Well, I went to ATL to meet some producers (whom I love because they are DOPE) and I lost my second dad :( RIP MJ. Thats really why I havent been here chit chatting with you! I was really at a lost for words. Also, now Im sure that Im gonna use my real name when I sing. Myckell Jackson. Yep, thats me. Reason being, this is who I am. I cant make up a catchy name because im not a made up person. Anywhoo, I missed ya, Im back, yess this is the return of MYC. PS check out my story. Itll be my next post. See ya.

Where Are You??!!??

A heart wide open
A whole unfilled
I need you here
We had a deal

The night is barren
So empty without love
The days seem dead
With no heavens above

Where have you gone
I had you in my hands
As I released my grip
I noticed your spot

Some may think I'm talking about love but I'm not. I'm talking about hope. Where has it gone? Why don't people believe anymore? Its so easy to say "its not meant for me. Its not my time." Says who? Go and get what you want. Believe, stand up, and take that step. I don't see it in the eyes of my people anymore. Please don't give up. Be that dentist. Be that doctor. Be that singer. Be that chef. Be FREE.

The Good Old Days

Hey loves, its been a minute huh? I was kinda busy tryna sing for everyone. My post today is dedicated to the good old days. Ugh I miss being a child. I miss the security of knowing that if all fails, I can go to my mother, father, or someone "Big and Strong." Yall remember that? Thinking that everyone was big and strong because you were little and fragile? I miss Bombpops (red white and blue icey) I miss having the whole summer off from EVERYTHING. I miss playing double dutch. I miss being able to play outside untill the streetlights. I miss sucking my teeth when my mother called me inside. OMG I miss wearing Jordans on Monday to school just once to show you had em. I miss JHS days with my bestie Riyya A'isha. Aww man, this girl was so crazy. I remember sitting indian-style in the gym while her fast ass told us all about sex. Ha ha yall shoulda been there to hear us all go "ooooo ahhhhhh" all wide-eyed as hell. I miss that. Life is amazing now though, I cant lie about that. Even still, I miss those days where I would come home from school, go straight to sleep, and wake up when Im good and gotdamn ready. Now, I do the cooking, cleaning, school, work, music, blog, bestfriend, homegirl jobs all at once. This post is dedicated to my best friend. So many years have gone by where we lost contact, so many words werent said, so many secrets werent discussed but SHARIYYA A'ISHA AMIN, I love you from now to next never and back. I swear she the only chick I laugh at and with all day. Check her blog JustRiyya.blogspot.com and tell her Mycki loves her.

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Well first off, let me start by saying Happy Fathers Day! I'm not gonna get caught up in explaining the difference between a "sperm donor" and a "father" because if I have to explain it, then ummm I think you know which category you belong to. Anyway, please can you read on? Thank you. See how I did that? I said "please" and "thank you" without losing my breath. Is that too much to ask? Well lemme tell u why I'm mad. Its Fathers Day and I called my dad to say it and he didn't even say thank you. I don't OWE you thanks. Your SUPPOSED to be a good father. I'm just being grateful. Is saying THANK YOU too much to ask? Once again, this is real talk, no pics
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The One Behind The Page

Diggin my new layout? Thanks Riyya! Check her blog! JustRiyya.blogspot.com. Anyway, me! The one behind the page! Let's say I'm diverse..really I am! I'm shy but outspoken, fearless but timid, carefree but as serious as a heartattack...so that's why I'm blogging again about me! Today, I feel closer to my dream than ever before! Yesterday I sang @ a little show and I felt it..that love..deep..intense, commanding love.. The crowd loved me and I had a surprise visitor! Shouts to D-Tor! Yall check the boy out cuz he's Niiiiiice (Fab Voice)..This year has been the best year of my life. Hands down. Period no commas. This is dedicated to you. Each and every person who ever believed, who ever supported, who ever picked me up when I fell, whoever wiped my tears, just all of you. Sincerely, JuzLik3Muzik.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile